I wasn't sure if I would make a post about what happened to Kai. So many people have messaged me appreciating me telling my story. Miscarriage is something most people don't talk about. Its like its not supposed to be talked about. Ive had so many people tell me about their experiences. The reason I shared my story to begin with was because when I was going through my pregnancy I would search and search online hoping to find a similar story to mine. I wanted to put it out there just incase someone is going through something similar it might find them comfort.
So let me begin with when I was discharged from the hospital. I was able to be discharged because my blood levels had improved and my bleeding had lightened. I was told to be on bed rest at home due to my large hemorrhage and the chance of placental abruption. I literally sat on the couch or laid in bed for over a week. Terrance would only let me get up to use the restroom LOL. He was so cautious it was really sweet.The wednesday before I gave birth I woke up with heavy bleeding and passing clots. I made an appointment and was seen that day. At this appointment they checked my iron levels which were still improving. The doctor did a pelvic exam where she removed several clots that were hanging out around the cervix. She was removing clots for a good 5 minutes. She told me I would probably pass more but to continue with bed rest & keep my appointment I had scheduled for 2 days out. The next couple days before giving birth my bleeding had lightened up and I was able to walk around a little more. We had Knox's 2 year old pictures taken which were just in our backyard so i felt comfortable enough to talk around & even hold him a little bit. That night the bleeding seemed to stop completely. I was really hopeful.
October 27, 2018- FRIDAY: That morning I had an appointment with my OB. Terrance had to work so he took Knox to my moms for the day. At my appointment she told me that if I was still bleeding at 24 weeks I would have to be on bed rest in the hospital where they would start giving me shots to improve Kai's lungs incase he was born premature. I would stay there until I gave birth. I didn't like the idea of that but I had 6 weeks until I was 24 weeks so I was hopeful that the bleeding would stop by then. I was in a good place mentally this day because my bleeding was still very light and I was feeling good. I scheduled an appointment for the following week to have an ultrasound to measure the hemorrhage and see how everything was going. After my appointment I met my friend, Kayla, for lunch & after lunch I went to my moms to be with Knox & continued bed rest on the couch. I didn't move from her couch until I went home at 8pm. When I got home I checked the mail where I received some maternity pants I ordered online. I went upstairs where Terrance and Knox were taking a shower and getting ready for bed. I played with knox before he went to bed around 9pm. I started feeling really tired so I went ahead and got in bed. I got up probably 4 times in 15 minutes to use the bathroom which I thought was weird but I just assumed it was because i drank water before bed. Every time I would lay back in bed I would start cramping. They were mild & I just assumed maybe it was pregnancy growing pains. I tossed and turned for about an hour & the cramps started to being intense. I knew something wasn't right so I tried calling the after hour doctor but I couldn't get through. I told terrance I was going to go ahead and go to the ER. I told him to stay at home with Knox because it was probably going to be the same ole story & I would update him when i got there. Halfway to the hospital I got a call back from the midwife. I told her what was going on & she suggested Tylenol and a shower. I turned around and headed back home. When I turned around the cramps started really intensifying.. I started to cry and I said out loud "I can't do this anymore!!".. I wish I hadn't said that because I would continue doing all of it to have my Kai. I got home and Terrance had the Tylenol on the counter and the shower running. I stayed in the shower for a god 10 minutes. I got back in bed & finally realized I was most likely having contractions. I sat up and blood started to gush. I ran to the bathroom & just cried. I was conflicted because I didn't know if this was normal for my condition. I sat in the bathroom and I would double over with pain. I knew these were contractions because they took my breath away. I told terrance we had to go to the ER & he needed to take me because there was no way I could drive. We called our neighbor who came and sit at our house while Knox slept. The contractions were every 5 minutes and just kept getting closer. I told terrance "This feels like when I was giving birth to Knox." I was still trying to convince myself I wasn't in labor but the more and more it happened it was harder to deny. I got to the ER and they sent me to Labor and Delivery right away. I was taken back to a room where they evaluate you to see if you're in labor, check your cervix and determine if you need to be admitted to a delivery room. The nurse told me to change clothes and give her a urine sample. When i took off my clothes blood poured & I obviously couldn't give her a urine sample. I got in the bed where I kept having contractions. I had 3 nurses try to insert IVs to start pain medicine but no one was successful. When the midwife came in she checked my cervix. She looked at me and said "You are 5cm dilated, you will be delivering soon." I broke down and cried. I screamed "NO...." I looked at terrance & we both just lost it. He stepped out of the room for a minute to call my mom to let her know was going into labor. When he walked back in the room I started feeling pressure and I knew Kai was making his way. I tried so hard to stop it I never pushed. Kai was born still in his sac. He was not alive. This was the most devastating moment of my life. It was all over. Everything I had gone through was over. Kai was put in my arms right away & I saw him breathe out one last time. He was so beautiful. The cutest little nose and beautiful lips. His hands were by his face. They nurse finally got the IV in my arm AFTER all this. We were taken to the antepartum room where we would stay until I was discharged. I had a fever so they began IV antibiotics. The nurses finally left and we were able to be alone with Kai. We held onto him for over 12 hours. The only time i let him go was when they took him to NICU to get pictures taken. I didn't sleep for 2 days. Saturday afternoon we knew we needed to start making decisions about how we wanted to proceed with Kai. Terrance called the funeral home to schedule a pick up for Kai. They came around 3pm. Kai leaving the room was hard. We decided to have him cremated.
The next day I was discharged. Terrance and I went to the funeral home to sign the cremation papers and pick out an Urn. We picked out a teddy bear. Knox has a teddy bear that we call his baby so we thought the teddy bear was appropriate. When we left we went to visit Terrance's brother's memorial site. We stood there and were able to let it all out. We cried.. We let each other know how we were feeling & we just hugged each other. I am a christian so I believe Kai is in heaven with is Uncle Stefan. Stefan was an amazing Uncle. He never got to meet Knox but he loved his nieces, Rori and Rainah. They were his world. I know he would have been so excited to have two nephews. Now he is able to take care of Kai.
I know not everyone can understand what Terrance and I are going through but we are so appreciative of all the love we have received. The flowers, cards, gifts and just words mean so much. I know Kai didn't mean anything to anyone except Me, Terrance and our families. Days, weeks and months will pass & no one will think about him anymore. He will always be on our minds and in our hearts. October 27, 2018 will always feel like yesterday to us. The pain of not knowing who he would be, never hearing him laugh or cry will always sting. Don't be afraid to ask us how we are doing.. I have always been an open book. I will ALWAYS want to talk about Kai. I want people to say his name.
To the families who struggle with infertility or who have lost babies whether through miscarriage or stillborn. I AM SO SORRY. Don't ever be ashamed or scared to talk about your story. These babies are real people. They all had potential to be something great.. whether you lost them at 4 weeks, 8 weeks, 18 weeks & so on. Always remember your babies.
We love you Kai!!!!
