Its been 46 days since I lost Kai at 18weeks gestation. I would be 25weeks in 2 days. December 7 was the goal to get to for him to have a chance at life but unfortunately my body couldn't handle everything it had been thrown its way. I wanted to write this blog because there are some people out there who don't know how to handle or approach some one who has been in my shoes. They may not know the right words to say so they say nothing at all. I want to help people understand my feelings.
I am not the same person I was 46 days ago and I never will be. I wish I didn't have to go through this but now I am able to totally understand the hurt. In 2016 my close friend and co-worker, Kayla, lost her baby at 22weeks. She had no signs prior so this was totally unexpected for her. She went in for a regular OB check up and was told she needed to go to labor and delivery right away. She had what is called 'Incompetent Cervix' which basically means her cervix started opening prematurely. I know her story but I don't know every detail and I don't want to mess it up but she was the first person I knew who had a late miscarriage. What hurts about Kaya's loss is she was only 13 days away from viability and this was her first child. Her name is Ella. At the time of Kayla's loss I had no children of my own so I didn't even know anything about carrying a child other than what I had read or seen from friends. I wasn't able to connect at that level so I definitely wasn't able to connect to the loss of a child. I remember feeling sad for her and thinking how awful it was that she had to go through that but I am going to be completely honest.. I was not extremely sympathetic. Looking back it makes me feel absolutely horrible. You think things like "Maybe it wasn't meant to be".. or.. "The timing for her wasn't right".. even.. "She can try again." (Which by the way NEVER say these things to a grieving mother) It took kayla a long time to even be able to function. I remember one day at work a patient came in with a crying baby and Kayla just started crying so hard. I felt like I wasn't patient enough with her because I would think, "Its been like 3 months why is she still so upset?" I hate even writing those feelings I had out because I know Kayla doesn't know I felt this way. Kayla is literally an AMAZING friend for helping me get through this I just wish I could have been the same for her.
I know in a lot of peoples minds they think the same things I thought. You may think to yourself, "at least she has Knox".. or.. "They will be able to have more children.". & while those thoughts may be true it doesn't take away from what happened to me. I think what people forget is although I never got to see my child alive.. I didn't get to know his personality.. I don't know what he would have looked like at birth or later on in life.. Its those very reasons that make it SO hard. I will never get to celebrate his birthdays, graduation, girlfriends, marriage & so on.. I will never get to know his personality.. I'll never know what he would look like.. Its those things that will ALWAYS been on a mothers heart and mind when she looses a child. Just because I didn't have a relationship with Kai doesn't mean the love or grieving process goes away quicker. I carried him for 18weeks- I felt him kicking and moving inside me. I knew he was sweet and precious and thats all that matters.
Here is an example of grief: Kayla gave birth to her second child, Isabella in December 2017. She's been planning her 1st birthday for a while now. Earlier this week I got a picture of Kayla she took of herself crying. She wrote "this is grief, it just hit me I'm throwing a first birthday I've ever thrown but not for my first baby. It hit me like a ton of bricks." I totally get what she means.
A lot of people have told me how strong I am & although that is true I really have no option BUT to be strong. I have a 2 year old boy who depends on me for everything & I have a husband who has already lost his brother and now his second child. Many people have said to Terrance he needs to be strong for his wife.. but I think I need to be strong for him. That doesn't mean I don't have my moments. I think about Kai every second of the day. He never leaves my mind. Sometimes i'll be driving in the car and all of a sudden it HITS me. It feels like a stab in the heart. Its the holidays & this is the time to be around family & be happy & joyful.. but then you are sitting in church listening to christmas music & all you can think about is the child that you'll never get to play santa for.
Its hard guys. Grief is hard. Life is hard.
Just remember just because time keeps on going.. time is forever stopped on the day a mothers child passes away. We look happy on the outside but on the inside there is a hole that will never be filled.
I am truly doing ok. I think I have done better than a lot of people in this situation. I just wanted to spread my knowledge and help people understand :)
Here are pictures of sweet Ella Moravia, Daughter of Kayla Norwood.
